When The Pieces Don't Fit
by Annie Coomes
Summary: It's their first Christmas apart but someone elses first Christmas together. Will he ever forget? Can he ever forget her?


Summary: It's their first Christmas apart but someone elses first Christmas together. Will he ever forget?

Would like to dedicate this to Kristina who deserves lots of happiness and hugs.

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When The Pieces Don't Fit

He held her hand and she held his. His long fingers covered in taunt pale skin slide in-between the darker skin of his companion; he touched her soft skin with his own and closed his eyes. He could feel her watching him from beneath his closed lids, he could feel his weary lashes resting on his cheeks, and he sucked in a breath of air and let out a world weary sigh. She squeezed his hand as he shook his head – it wasn't the same.

Darker skin rubbed the paler hands of another, her skin was cold – almost blue as she sat outside in the snow, her cheeks were rosy and her face frozen as she stared blankly out over the fresh white snow that fell out across the gardens of the house. He rubbed her hands between his knowing there was nothing he could do – nothing anyone could do, so he sat with her as she closed her eyes.

Two of them sat with their eyes closed to the world and all the pains it held, and two sat holding their hands trying to be the ones to heal them although they knew it could never happen. The Doctor and Martha. Rose and Mickey. Each pair doomed to the sadness of the time of year, the time of Christmas cheer and family, the time for giving and caring, the time for loving and holding, the time for drinking and singing, the time for snuggling in front of a golden fire, a time for remembering those that have been lost.

They both knew it would hurt, but when they imagined the pain, when they remembered how they were parted and thought of Christmas's all alone, they never imagined the pain to be this strong, this heartbreaking, this final. Rose closed her eyes to the sounds that floated in from the street and taunted her, the soft sounds of children's innocent laughter, Santa on his sleigh bringing sweeties to children as he collected for charity, the songs of cheer and happiness that played out over the entire neighbourhood. She closed her eyes and shivered into the soft jumper that covered her shoulders, she longed to feel the Doctors brown coat resting over her, she longed to feel him bundle her into his arms as he wrapped her up, she was dieing just to see his smile. She couldn't see it in her mind – his smile, his face, his eyes…she could barely remember the sound of his laughter sweetening the air around her and it was killing her. Everything she'd forgotten, everything she no longer knew, everyday without him, every time she reached for his hand and found another, found a wrong hand, everyday she almost smiled until she remembered he wasn't there – it was killing her. She shivered in the cold and looked up at the happiness around her thinking of all she had and all she could have had – it was too much for her.

It hurt him as well. The pain of waking up and hearing someone in the kitchen, the beautiful moment between sleep and awareness where everything that had happened was forgotten, the moment where he would smile to himself and think of where he would take Rose that day – the moment where he planned to take her to the furthest side of the galaxy and revel in her smile. Then the moment that followed, the heart shattering reality as he saw Martha stood in the kitchen making a cup of tea – the wrong way, he'd sip it and smile to her as inside another piece of him died, another part of his life faded into the grey that already swamped him. He would take her instead. He would take Martha to the place he had dreamed to take Rose and he was always disappointed. He'd imagined how her face would light up, how she'd grasp his hand and raise her head to the new sky above her and bath in its beauty, of how she would squeeze his hand and tell him it was beautiful. It was never like that with Martha. It was always different, less surreal – she wanted to know the science behind, the reasons why, and he would explain time after time as her brown eyes soaked up the knowledge – but it was never the same. He knew it was cruel of him, to expect so much from her, to slowly hate her for not being Rose. He knew it wasn't her fault, and he also knew that if she was like Rose he would hate her more, for being like her but not being her, but he couldn't help himself.

He opened his eyes and looked at Martha

'Christmas tomorrow eh?' he mumbled. Martha nodded with a smile

'So what did you do last year?' he asked trying to make small talk so that his mind could wander from the thoughts that haunted him.

'Spent it with Mum and Dad…proper family Christmas' she grinned. The Doctor nodded

'Must have been nice' he murmured as he sank back into his chair. She smiled at him

'It was…what did you do Doctor? Do you celebrate Christmas in the Tardis?'. She regretted the question the moment she'd asked it, as she saw the pain that flashed through his eyes in that moment and it made her hate Rose a little bit more. For leaving him like this, for breaking him so badly he was beyond repair, she gently pressed her hand to his

'Sorry' she whispered. He shook his head and took in a breath

'No…I never celebrated Christmas…not till last year' he murmured softly as he remembered the day

'Spent most the day in my PJ's…with Satsuma's…got a new hand…traditional Christmas dinner…you know, all the regular things' he told her quietly trying to block out Rose's smiling face. Martha nodded before the room fell into silence. He looked sharply up at her

'Don't let me ruin it' he told her, she shook her head

'Your not – don't worry' she placated him. He smiled at her

'Good –turn on the radio, we could use some of that Christmas cheer'. Martha did as he said and sat down beside him, she looked at the table which now had a brandy decanter, she raised an eyebrow at him

'For Santa' he murmured sarcastically. Martha nodded and began to munch on a mince pie and the songs began to play out through the Tardis, soon a Mariah Carey song was filling the room,

'The fire is burning; the room's all aglow, outside the December wind blows, away in the distance the carolers sing in the snow'

Mickey turned the stereo up and handed Rose a steaming cup of tea, she nodded in thanks as she looked out over the snow covered fields that surrounded their house. They were filled with dozens of children dragging their sleds along behind them as they ran up the hills, soon they were hurtling back down, and their hair blowing manically behind them in the cold bitter wind and their squeals of delight filled the air. A single tear fell from Rose's eye and slid down her cheek.

'Everybody's laughing, the world is celebrating and everyone's so happy except for me tonight, because I miss you most at Christmas time'

Mickey silently placed an arm around Rose's shoulder and pulled her close to him, she rested her head on his shoulder, her tears marking his jacket as she gently shook.

'I'm sorry' she whispered. He shook his head and squeezed her tightly

'Don't be' he whispered as she held her. She silently sobbed as she thought of the one thing she needed – the one thing she couldn't have.

'And I can't get you get you off my mind, every other season comes along and I'm all right, but then I miss you, most at Christmas time'

The Doctor listened to the words of the song that slowly filled the Tardis, the words hit home and ran through his veins piecing into his heart, he picked up the brandy and began to gulp it down

'That's not going to help' Martha murmured

'Is that so?' he replied as he ignored her instructions.

'It's not going to bring her back' she murmured softly as she knelt before him, her hands resting gently on his. He looked down at her, his eyes bloodshot and holding the single truth that soar through him

'I know' he told her 'but it takes the pain away' he murmured as his voice cracked.

'I gaze out the window this cold winter's night, at all of the twinkling lights, alone in the darkness remembering when you were mine'

Martha fell back onto her heels and looked at the broken man in front of her. She was his fingers shake on the glass that he held so tightly, his eyes were cold and hard as he tried to forget the pain – as he tried to forget her, but it was too much for him. Martha looked up and knew she could never leave him, never leave her Doctor, because if she did then there would be no hope – there would be no one left to fight for him, no one left to stop him, no one left to save him. Martha ran her fingers through her hair knowing there was only one person who could do this – one person who wasn't here, the one person who was never coming back – and for that, she hated Rose. She knew it was stupid, knew she couldn't hate someone she had never met, she knew it wasn't her fault she was gone – she had saved the world doing it, but she knew it was killing the Doctor and for that she hated her.

'Everybody's smiling the whole world is rejoicing and everyone's embracing, except for you and I. Baby I miss you most at Christmas time and I can't get you get you off my mind'

Martha watched the Doctor and Mickey watched Rose, they both knew of the tears to follow, of the hardships to overcome, yet neither of them could give up. They each knew of the next morning, the morning of false smiles and lies as they promised they were okay, they would each see the faint tremor that ran through their hands as they watched the door, waiting, hoping, preying that by some miracle the other would walk through it, and they each knew of the disappointment that would follow, of the silent nights wrecked by screams from nightmares. They each knew of the pain.

'I get by without you till the snow begins to fall and then I miss you most at Christmas time, and I can't get you…get you off my mind. Every other season comes along and I'm all right...But then I miss you, most at Christmas time'

Rose reached for Mickey's hand and the Doctor reached for Martha's, they both clung on to this person beside them, both needing something they couldn't ever have. So for this one day, for this one day where they would always break down, there was one thing they would have to do. They would turn to the wrong person, cling to the wrong hand, smile the wrong smile, and tell the wrong lies; they would then be lead into the wrong house to open the wrong presents, thank the wrong people before crawling into the wrong bed to cry the right tears. And this was how it must be – for all of eternity, for all of forever they must be wrong and for that reason, that one simple heart breaking reason, they could never be right – never again.

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End file.
